Rules for women (by men)
Men and women are always defining rules for each other. These are the rules according to [most] men.
- Toilet seat. Learn to work the toilet seat. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining.
- Weekend. The weekend equals sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
- Shopping. It’s NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
- Blackmail. Crying is blackmail. Just ask. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
- Yes and No. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
- Problem solving. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
- Headaches. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
- Not admissible. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
- Fat. If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us.
- Misinterpretation. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
- Ask or tell. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
- Commercial break. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
- Directions. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
- Colour blind. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what Mauve is.
- Scratching. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
- What’s wrong? If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing,” we will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
- Questions. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.
- What to wear? When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
- Thinking. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as Sex, Sport, or Cars.
- In shape. I am in shape. Round is a shape.
- THANK YOU. Thank you for reading this; yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don’t mind that, it’s like camping. ■
Women, I’ll seek to redress the balance in the next post. Promise. In the meantime, feel free to leave any comments below!