Smile, it’s a belated funny Monday!

It’s a very busy week this week with the HOIME awards less than 3 days away so I haven’t been able to contribute as much to the blog as I would like

but, fear not, all will be back to normal soon. In the meantime, here are some amusing excerpts that should bring a  smile to your face. This is in lieu of the ‘funny Monday’  which I’m sure you all really missed this week!

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JOB INTERVIEW:

• Desired position: “Reclining.  Ha ha.  But seriously, whatever’s available.   If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn’t be applying here in the first place.”
• Salary:  “Make me an offer, we can haggle.”
• Last position “ Target for middle-management hostility.”
• Notable achievements: “My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.”
• Reason for leaving: “It was rubbish!”
• Preferred working hours: “1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.”
• Special skills:  “Many but they’re better suited to a more intimate environment.”
• Current employer: “If I had one, would I be here?”
• Do you have a car? “I think the correct question would be, do you have a car that runs?”
• Do you smoke?  “Only when set on fire.”
• Ambition for next five years: “Live on my own private island with a sexy supermodel who thinks I’m  all that. Actually, I’d like to be doing that right now.”
• Do you certify the above is true and correct: “No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.” 
• Sign here “Scorpio with Libra rising.”

THINGS MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME:

• DO A GOOD JOB…“If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside.”
• RELIGION. “You better pray that will come out of the carpet.”
• TIME TRAVEL. “If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week!”
• LOGIC. ” Because I said so, that’s why.”
• FORESIGHT. “Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you’re in an accident.”
• IRONY. “Keep crying, and I’ll give you something to cry about.”
• OSMOSIS. “Shut your mouth and eat your supper.”
• CONTORTIONISM. “Look at that dirt on the back of your neck!”
• STAMINA. “You’ll sit there until all that spinach is gone.”
• WEATHER. “This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.” 
• HYPOCRISY. “If I told you once, I’ve told you a million times, don’t exaggerate.”
• CIRCLE OF LIFE. “I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.”
• BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION. “Stop acting like your father!”
• ENVY. “There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don’t have wonderful parents like you.”
• ANTICIPATION. “Just wait until we get home.”
• HUMOUR. “If you fall out of that tree and break your legs, don’t come running to me.”
• GENETICS. “You’re just like your father.”
• WISDOM. “When you get to be my age, you’ll understand.”
• JUSTICE. “One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!”