Smile, it’s a belated funny Monday!

It’s a very busy week this week with the HOIME awards less than 3 days away so I haven’t been able to contribute as much to the blog as I would like

but, fear not, all will be back to normal soon. In the meantime, here are some amusing excerpts that should bring a  smile to your face. This is in lieu of the ‘funny Monday’  which I’m sure you all really missed this week!

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JOB INTERVIEW:

  • Desired position: “Reclining.  Ha ha.  But seriously, whatever’s available.   If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn’t be applying here in the first place.”
  • Salary:  “Make me an offer, we can haggle.”
  • Last position “ Target for middle-management hostility.”
  • Notable achievements: “My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.”
  • Reason for leaving: “It was rubbish!”
  • Preferred working hours: “1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.”
  • Special skills:  “Many but they’re better suited to a more intimate environment.”
  • Current employer: “If I had one, would I be here?”
  • Do you have a car? “I think the correct question would be, do you have a car that runs?”
  • Do you smoke?  “Only when set on fire.”
  • Ambition for next five years: “Live on my own private island with a sexy supermodel who thinks I’m  all that. Actually, I’d like to be doing that right now.”
  • Do you certify the above is true and correct: “No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.” 
  • Sign here “Scorpio with Libra rising.”

THINGS MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME:

  • DO A GOOD JOB…“If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside.”
  • RELIGION. “You better pray that will come out of the carpet.”
  • TIME TRAVEL. “If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week!”
  • LOGIC. ” Because I said so, that’s why.”
  • FORESIGHT. “Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you’re in an accident.”
  • IRONY. “Keep crying, and I’ll give you something to cry about.”
  • OSMOSIS. “Shut your mouth and eat your supper.”
  • CONTORTIONISM. “Look at that dirt on the back of your neck!”
  • STAMINA. “You’ll sit there until all that spinach is gone.”
  • WEATHER. “This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.” 
  • HYPOCRISY. “If I told you once, I’ve told you a million times, don’t exaggerate.”
  • CIRCLE OF LIFE. “I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.”
  • BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION. “Stop acting like your father!”
  • ENVY. “There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don’t have wonderful parents like you.”
  • ANTICIPATION. “Just wait until we get home.”
  • HUMOUR. “If you fall out of that tree and break your legs, don’t come running to me.”
  • GENETICS. “You’re just like your father.”
  • WISDOM. “When you get to be my age, you’ll understand.”
  • JUSTICE. “One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!”

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