Funny Monday; amusing stories and pictures from around the world

SWIMMER TRAPPED BY BEACH BALLS
A man got a nasty surprise when he tried to get out of his deckchair and found his testicles had become stuck between two slats of wood. Mario Visnjic had been swimming naked off Valalta beach in Croatia and his testicles had shrunk in the cool sea. When he sat down they slipped through the slats and then, as he lay in the sun, expanded back to normal size. He was freed after he called beach maintenance services on his mobile phone and they sent a member of staff to cut the deckchair in half.

WHAT’S IN A NAME?
British tourists have left residents of a charming  Austrian village fuming by constantly stealing signs for their oddly named village.  Whilst British visitors are finding it hilarious, local residents of  F**king, a 32 house village near Salzburg, are failing to see the funny side and are fighting back by setting signs in concrete.  Police Kommandant Schmidtberger says they are on the lookout. “We will not stand for the F**king signs being removed,” he said. “It may be very amusing for you British but F**king is F**king to us. What is this big F**king joke?” Local tourist guide, Andreas Rehmueller, said it’s only the British that had a fixation with F**king. The Germans want to see Mozart house, the American’s seem to care only about The Sound of Music (1955 film shot around Salzburg), the Japanese want to see Hitler’s birth place but for the British it’s all about F**king!” Guesthouse Manager, Augustina Lindlbauer described the village’s breathtaking lakes, forests and vistas . “Yet still is this obsession with F**king. This morning I had to tell an English lady who stopped by that there were no F**king postcards!”

DIAL 9/11 FOR DIVORCE
The first divorce directly related to the September 11th terrorist attacks was filed in New York.  It appears a man with an office on the 103rd floor of the World Trade Centre spent the morning at his lover’s house with his phone switched off. Naturally,  he wasn’t watching TV either. However, when he turned his phone back on at about 11am, it rang immediately. It was his hysterical wife, “Are you OK? Where are you?” He said, “What do you mean? I’m in the office of course!”

DON’T MESS WITH A MARINE
This is a portion of a radio  interview between a FEMALE reporter and US Marine Corps General on sponsoring a Boy Scout troop visiting his military installation. INTERVIEWER: So. General Reinweld, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base? GENERAL: We’re going to teach them climbing. canoeing, archery, and shooting. INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That’s a bit irresponsible. isn’t It? GENERAL: I don’t see why, they’ll be properly supervised on the rifle range.  INTERVIEWER: Don’t you admit that this Is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children? GENERAL: I don’t see how. We’ll be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm. INTERVIEWER: But you’re equipping them to become violent killers. GENERAL: Well, you’re equipped to be a prostitute, but you’re not one, are you? The radio went silent and the interview ended.

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