Funny Monday; amusing stories and pictures from around the world

An evil wind this way comes
This is the story of happily married couple who have lived together for ten blissful years. They seldom argued about anything other than one contentious thing; her husband’s disgusting habit of passing wind.

The worse thing is that no matter how much she complained about the smell and her pleas for him to do something about the problem, his response was always the same; “It’s natural.” So, the years went by and nothing changed until one early Christmas morning when she was downstairs preparing the turkey, she looked at the innards of the big bird and a mischievous thought crossed her mind.

Shortly after, she was tip toeing her way into the bedroom, where her husband was still sound asleep, gently pulled back the covers and the elastic of his pyjamas bottoms. 

Minutes later, she was back in the kitchen and startled by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps across the landing. “That’ll teach you,” she thought, suppressing a fit of giggles.  About ten minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained pyjamas  with a look of absolute horror on his face. “What’s the matter,” she asked (suppressing a laugh). “You were right,” he stuttered. “You were right. All these years you’ve been warning me that something like this would happen, that I’d blow my guts out and it happened! But don’t worry, it took two fingers and a lot of Vaseline but I think I managed to get them all back in again.”  

A Dunce’s effort  
A complaint against a Scottish school teacher has been dismissed after it was revealed that he did everything he could to elicit an answer from a pupil before he marked her down for ‘lack of effort”.   The following day he was called to the Head teacher’s office to answer the allegation (from the girl’s irate parents) that he had called their daughter “a f****** doormat”. The teacher was understandably confused since he could not recall making such a remark. On reflection, he remembered that his actual words were; the girl’s “faculties were dormant!” 

And the headlines…

• “Include your children when baking cakes.”
•  “Something went wrong in jet crash, expert says.”
• “Safety expert says school bus passengers should be belted. “
• “Drunk gets nine months in Violin Case.” 
• “Survivor of Siamese twins joins parents.”
• “Iraqi Head Seeks Arms.”
• “Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over.”
• “Eye Drops Off Shelf.”
• “Teachers Strikes Idle Kids.”
• “Clinton Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead.”
• “Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Ax.”
• “Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told.”
• “Miners Refuse to Work after Death.”
• “Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant.”
• “Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years in Checkout Counter.”
• “Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years.” 
• “Never Withhold A Herpes Infection from A Loved One.”
• “War Dims Hope for Peace.”
• “If Strike Isn’t Settled Quickly, It May Last a While.”
• “Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures.”
• “Deer Kill 17,000.”
• “Enfield Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide.”
• “Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges.”
• “Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead.”
• “Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge.”
• “New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group.” 
• “Children Make Nutritious Snacks.”
• “Arson Suspect Held in London fire.”
• “Ban On Soliciting Dead in enfield.”
• “School Dropouts Cut in Half.”
• “New Vaccine May Contain Rabies.”
• “Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors.”