Funny Monday; amusing stories and pictures from around the world

• MAN ARRESTED FOR SETTING FIRE TO GIRLFRIEND’S TRUCK. The 46 year old American was arrested for arson and aggravated menacing. The reason? She fell asleep whilst having sex with him.
• GERMAN HOUSEWIFE CALLS POLICE ON CHATTY FRIEND. A desperate housewife called police in Germany after a friend chatted to her for 30 hours  non-stop. Ingrid Schuettler, 48, told police she’d invited her friend round for a cup of tea and a chat. But once they started talking, her pal “would not shut up” and kept going through the night and the next day! A police spokesman said: “After an incredible 30 hours, and several unsuccessful attempts to get her to leave, the woman saw no other solution than to call us.
• MAN ARRESTED AFTER LEAVING NEW YORK DELTA FLIGHT VIA EMERGENCY HATCH. The man from first class was so angry at seeing coach passengers disembark before him that he yanked open the hatch and slid down the chute. He was arrested by Guyanese police.
• WOMAN BREAKS HUSBANDS ARM WITH PLANK OF WOOD. A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his mp3 player.

• EXPLOSIVE GAS BILL. Commenting on a complaint from one of its customers about a large gas bill, the  company spokesman said “We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It’s possible Mr. Purdey was charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house.”

Sound bites:

• Baldrick, you’re fired! But I’ve been in your family since 1532! So has syphilis, now get out!”.
• Part of a speech at employee’s leaving do: “Well, I’ve had a wonderful time, only this wasn’t it.” 
• He – “Can I buy you a drink?” She – “Actually I’d rather have the money.”
  He “Hi, didn’t we go out once or twice?” She – “Must have been once, I never make the same mistake twice.”
  He – “What would you say if I asked you to marry me?” She – “Nothing, I can’t talk and laugh at the same time.”
  She “How many times do I have to flush before you go away?”
• “My position, sir, does not allow me to argue with you. But if it ever came to a choice of weapons, I should choose grammar.”
• “There are two things I don’t like about you, Mr Churchill; your politics and your moustache.” Churchill: “My dear madam, pray do not disturb yourself. You are not likely to come into contact with either.”.
• Consultant: “Computers are just like women, irrational.”
  Woman: “Well, that’s quite ironic, because I thought it was the converse.”
  Consultant: “Really? That computers are like men, rational?”
  Woman: “Well, not rational as such… more in the sense that you get all excited about the new computer that you buy from the shop, but when you get it home, and get the packaging off, it’s always a big disappointment.”
• Senior Warrant Officer (jabbing a recruit with his pace stick): “There is a piece of s**t at the end of this stick!” Recruit: “Not at this end there isn’t.”
• Fireman: “At one stage, we decided to fight fire with fire, well, basically, your house burned down.”
• “Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway!”
• “When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep and not screaming like the passengers in his car.”
• “Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. It’s just that yours is stupid.” 
• “After 12 months, my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes; no hablo ingles.”
• “If love is blind, why is lingerie popular?”